It’s a strange juxtaposition, the feelings I have toward my children.
As a stay at home mom, most days are a buildup of pressure. The frustration and irritation as they fight, yell and say words that grate on my nerves. Babytalk is prevalent in my house right now, as my big boys say words like their little sister.
I rarely get the time alone that I need.
My husband and I have finally hit that stretch of life that we didn’t understand before we got married. We didn’t understand how married couples could say they never saw each other.
And yet, here we are, and it turns out that constantly doling out attention to 3 little ones doesn’t leave time for much more than amused glances at each other across the table.
It’s time for a date. An actual date.
And yet, as we go about our daily life, sometimes I stop, in awe of them. In awe of the magnitude of the task before me. Their little souls are in my hands. It is not black and white, obedience vs disobedience. I am cultivating their interests, their values, how they see the world.
Sometimes I feel the weight of it drop on me suddenly and my eyes mist over as I think, please God, don’t let me mess this up.
I hope they know how much we love them.
My days are so torn between wanting them near me, wanting to nurture them and guide them…
And really really just wanting some space.
So today, I hope to lay down myself a little at a time, reading them a book even when I don’t feel like it, lowering my posture and my voice instead of yelling, and caressing their back as they crowd me, even though sometimes I feel like saying Go Away.
I will also practice my favorite form of self care: reading. Fiction, nonetheless! It took me almost 5 years of mothering to remember how deeply fiction is a part of me. I also do other creative things that give me life, like decorating my home and knitting. And now God has put it on my heart to write, so I dabble in that, both in bursts here and in my yellow legal pad where I attempt my first fiction novel.
Some moms tell me they can’t read with their children around. I can’t not read.